@kelkulus: People who complain that my Christmas gifts are "stupid" and "thoughtless" clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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@EverydayGirlDad: 4yo: You're a good dad. Me: Thanks. 4yo: You'd be better if you said yes more. Me: Okay. 4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
@MaiPareshaan: This one time I swallowed a gum and my mom told me that "it stays in your system forever," so I swallowed a table to stick it under it.
@SteveAmiri: July 5th, 1776: The day the British drunk-texted America and said they still loved them.