@kelkulus: People who complain that my Christmas gifts are "stupid" and "thoughtless" clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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@MichaelTrying: Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn't even have kids back then.
@Playing_Dad: *5 puts on shoes* Me: they're on the wrong feet. 5: but I can't... Me: can't..? 5 I don't have any more feet to put them on. Me: touche
@WheelTod: If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
@justabloodygame: *detective bangs on table* I SAID GIVE ME A NAME! "Uh, Aaron?" Aaron... I like it! *'Aaron' leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*