@kelkulus: People who complain that my Christmas gifts are "stupid" and "thoughtless" clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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@aspiringtoucan: BUT WHY THE HELL is it called BUG spray not disINSECTant *Walmart worker who I have in a headlock in aisle 4* Sir please stop I don't know
@iwearaonesie: wife: Where's the food? [flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up] me: Dammit
@inmybox07: My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won't put it down