@kelkulus: People who complain that my Christmas gifts are "stupid" and "thoughtless" clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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@Sanbel11: Police officer: Have you had anything to drink? Me:No PO:Ok, blow into here Me:But there are no candles PO:Ma'am please get out of the car
@Brentweets: I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
@justabloodygame: *detective bangs on table* I SAID GIVE ME A NAME! "Uh, Aaron?" Aaron... I like it! *'Aaron' leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*