Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
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I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Me too door. Me too.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I hope it’s French Onion!
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
i made a craigslist ad !
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*