Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
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Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Seems legit
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.