People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
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“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Become ungovernable.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
when dads have a rap battle
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I beg your pardon?
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.