@QwertyJones3: People who don't understand sarcasm are awesome.
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@mommy_cusses: Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
@heymermaid: Stop saying I'm my own worst enemy. My worst enemy is Johan, from the stables; I want him dismissed, but he's curried such favor with father
@GetCougarized: I bought a laser pointer, but I don't have a cat. So I 'borrowed' my neighbor's toddler, but he doesn't seem to get it. Babies are stupid.
@KeetPotato: wife: "he never reacts appropriately, just tell him" doctor: "ok, keith we had to remove both your legs" me: "where will i keep my car keys"