People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
You Might Also Like
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Oops
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back