What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
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There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Somewhere in an alternate universe
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.