People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!