People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
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I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?