@SteveOHellNo: People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
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@TheDailySchmuck: Every time I'm the only black person at a party I think: "Wow. I helped them make quota."
@jakob_huber: Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
@brownbear952: Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.
@MarlonBrandNO: [date] "don't let her know ur from twitter" Her: whats wrong? Me: This fork only has 3 prongs Her: So? Me: it should be called a threek