People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
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I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.