Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
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[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.