How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
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Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”