People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
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I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me