People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
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Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.