People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
You Might Also Like
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family