@DurtMcHurtt: People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
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@JasonLastname: If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
@TragicAllyHere: [Movie theater] *as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*