People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
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*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back