[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
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Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Ghost costume 😂
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill