Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.