People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
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Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.