Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
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[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo