@13spencer: People who like "The Bachelor" are like racists; you know they're out there, but you just hope your friends don't feel that way.
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@Crunk_Jews: [blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU
@mrsmith196645: Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
@EvanJKessler: Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you're not being arrested?