WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
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Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Put this video in the Louvre
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Actually cracking up @ this
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
The Birdles
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
But wait…
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.