@13spencer: People who like "The Bachelor" are like racists; you know they're out there, but you just hope your friends don't feel that way.
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@msgwenl: The thing about eating broken cookies is there's no way to know how many you had. "You ate the whole ba-" THERE'S NO WAY TO KNOW.
@rikpayne: People who say "Money doesn't grow on trees" don't understand the paper making process.
@ElKnuckelhombre: Everybody's talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn't even notice him. Weird.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow. At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.