Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
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If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
the only organized thing in my life is crime
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?