People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
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Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
Awwwww shit.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄