A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
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5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.