People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
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I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST