Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
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*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.