People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
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You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark