People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
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I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
motivation
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?