People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
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He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate