People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
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My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
live long and prosper!
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?