People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
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Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?