12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
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My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Finally, an instrument I can play!