@pizzajaynow: People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.
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@notalogin: [God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up] Ugh, first world problems.
@Cheeseboy22: My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word "restaurant."
@nbadag: NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars? ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
@birbigs: Instead of presents, give your kids "presence." Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.