@pizzajaynow: People who only tweet inspirational stuff are the same people who reminded their school teacher about homework assignments.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [Meeting] *Gestures to pie chart* "Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds."
@Twtercide: Him: Wtf is wrong with you? *remembers when I sold my soul to Satan for more Oreos Me: I'm just really tired.
@david8hughes: Cop: we know you're in there. Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France. Cop: when will you be back? Me: je ne comprends pas
@Gooooats: Avenge me! But only through passive aggressively commenting loudly around my murderer how great it would be to still have me alive.