If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
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Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.