People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.