People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
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My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.