People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
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Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
the official breakfast of 2021
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.