People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
You Might Also Like
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Basketball games are very squeaky.
motivation
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.