[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
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[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.