The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
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It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
🔦🌙👣
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
😂🤣😂🤣
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.