My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
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I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Cinematography is my passion
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second