People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
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[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
🤣🤣🤣
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Finally!
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?