People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
You Might Also Like
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.