People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
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The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?