Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
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If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨