People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
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don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
What number SPF blocks people?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.