@Philosopherbing: People who say "Don't shit where you eat" have clearly never heard of Chipotle
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@hippieswordfish: [police chase] FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff ME: are u sure F: just do it M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*
@HatfieldAnne: Thank you Internet stranger for your honorable proposal of marriage. My folks are so excited. They're asking for Thanksgiving and Easter.
@Reverend_Scott: How's school, Hannah? "Really tough, dad." They're calling you Hannah Banana, aren't they? "No-" WHY THE HELL NOT
@XplodingUnicorn: Maybe there is no baby I'm starting to suspect my wife's been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams Now I'm hungry.