People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
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I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.