@GotBadTouched: People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
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@AngelaEhh: When people say 'oh, you're still single?' I like to reply with 'wow, you're still married?' I'm popular.
@crushingbort: "Mr Bush, do you want my coke?" "Yeah sure" *Bush drinks coke as kid walks away* "Hey kid...catch" *kid turns around to see incoming plane*
@fro_vo: me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
@iwearaonesie: dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver me: *looking* dad: Isn't that a Phillips beside you? me: It says "Craftsman" dad: me: Are you crying?