People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
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Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.