People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
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receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.