@MrFornicator: People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
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@Ristolable: *gives joke answer to daughter's 75th consecutive question* [20 years later, she's in an office] "Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973"
@RideSallyRide69: Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
@ieatanddrink: Just heard that distinct "baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor" sound