@notalogin: People who say "go big or go home" seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it's literally my only goal for most of the day.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@iGreenMonk: You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they're trying on clothes in the fitting room.
@NicestHippo: We'd love to offer you the job [My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250★ tweet! ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won't be needing to work anymore
@Sarcasticsapien: When someone says "excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable", how long are they usually gone? Two days seems like a long time.
@form52: I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships. Well played future wife. You win this round