People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
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The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”