People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
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Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Dead sexy!!
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.